Afraid to Dream

The demons in my head
won't let me sleep again.
Racing in circles around and around
Sleep to dream
Dream to sleep
Dream of sleep
My mind won't shut off
Won't let me rest.
My mind is racing
pacing
tracing
Memories of yesterday, today, and yet to be.
Maybe never to be.
Haunting
Taunting
Counting
Falling...
Medicated
so maybe I can stay asleep.
The monsters in my head
are so loud and scary.
They want to kill me.
Pit of despair.
Cobwebs and darkness
all around me.
Ghosts are haunting
Sadness and fears.
Nobody gets this...
Afraid of the dark.
Afraid of the dreaming.
Afraid of the nightmares.
Afraid of waking up.
Shaking, sweating
Crying in my sleep.
So much aching, longing, to sleep.
The peaceful sleep and dreams of the normal.
Boring.
The curse of being a disturbed soul.
Can you understand?
Not many get it...
But I do. I understand.
I live it every night
In the dark
In my dreams...
Afraid of the dark
Afraid to dream
Dream awake, and scream
Deafening silence...
Listen for breath.
Heart pounding...
Lay back down...only a dream...
But it may be...
Dreaming reality.
So afraid to dream.
Don't...
JJC 11/12/2012

Will It Ever

I'm just so sad. I can't even cry enough. I am just feeling so sad tonight, this morning, right now. My chest aches from trying to be strong and trying to not hurt. The happy face facade is crumbling and falling into my hands...pathways down my face. Will my broken self be mended? Will my broken self, ache

for eternity? Broken heart, soul, mind, and fist? For now? For ever? Why me, why you, why now, why ever...I can't explain the tear soaked pillow or the taste of blood in my mouth. The winding of my spirit so tight that it will snap and recoil, maybe break another innocent bystander. Why the tears? Sweet girl? Why the sad face? You're too pretty to be sad. Well sad doesn't give a Fuck about how pretty you are. And neither does ignoring and lonliness. They're all close friends. Kismet lovers who are freakishly into threesomes. The sluts. Drive me far away from this insanity, man made lunacy. Please change the channel? We pay for cable we should get to watch whatever the hell we want to...why the fuck won't it work??! Fuck...technology. just like relationships. One minute you get what you want, the next you have to call the cable guy to come held fix your problem.. Time to call the cable guy? Is it yet? Go to sleep, forget it all till the storm passes over and the shit storm is through.

Need to cry

Sometimes you just need to cry. Cry until your heart feels a little less like breaking. Until the fake facade your face wears cracks, falls to your hands like dust. Mix with tears and makes some kind of ridiculous, pathetic paint. Paint your life story with it, but someday it will be painted over. Good or bad, will be painted over. The sun will fade this artwork eventually, someone may remember it's significance and once beauty. Till then cry, cry until you wrench inside, till you bleed. Paint the picture, of life as it is, as it was, and as it should be, as it may never be. Now excuse me, while I put my head in my hands, and paint another picture... JJC 10-19-2012

We are kin sisters-sisters of the same arts... Woven from the same cloth our souls are the same. The dark, it looms-creates and hangs. Like a pleasant dark shadow. Overplayed by a smile and a wink. Hidden as one may assume frailty...Then lash out! No strength in comparison! Break through the chains in our dungeons to drag our ways into the light-the moonlit night...So quiet and serene. A midnite night on serpents wings-of gloss and black scales. Fire eyes, she understands. Fierce beasts our friends...our hearts beat fierce and free! And the night...the night is where many good things hide-in wait. Wait for the inspire. To create once more. The calligraphy of the darkened soul. Whispers...You hear nothing. But I hear music. My sister and I. We are kin and kin with the nighttime. JJC 8/15/2012

"I'd like to think that if i had been through what you have, that i would eventually feel normal once again. " "Yeah, well then how about i do to you what you did to me and we will see whose heart heals faster?" Sound like a fair game to me, doesn't it? I will never not hurt from this. Thank you for that.

Demon Hunter-"My Heartstrings Come Undone" Lyrics

Demon Hunter My Heartstrings Come Undone Lyrics It's buried deep within the past , i hope it doesn't last It's something i already chased, i already chased I try to give it all away, but it's never gonna fade It's something i don't wanna face, i don't wanna face I know you feel it's all the same, but I promise that i'll change It's something i already chased, i already chased You know i'm trying to believe that you're never gonna leave It's something i don't wanna face, i don't wanna face There's nothing left! The fear is gone Oh, my heartstrings come undone I will wait for you, pray for you Before i make my final run I will stay with you, decay with you I know i'm not the perfect one, the pain has just begun It's something i already chased, i already chased You bring me to a better path, it's everything i asked It's something i don't wanna face, i don't wanna face There's nothing left! The fear is gone There's nothing left! The fear is gone Oh, my heartstrings come undone I will wait for you, pray for you Before i make my final run I will stay with you, decay with you

Broken Trust

Today was the last day... The last day I trusted you. What the fuck were you thinking? Do you know what you did to me? You've become that thing you said you hated, How could you do this to me? More than that More than me more than anything more than you more than her more than all the love in the world Why? Why? Why? I'll never know, will I? You said it was a mistake... It was, you're right. I've never wanted so badly To just fucking disappear. My best friend has betrayed me Who can I turn to? Supposed to be most intimate, Most trusting Oh my God, I'm going to die. You of all people, you were my hero.... You've been to war, you've seen the ugliest of war and you brought the war here to my home to my heart to my soul How dare you Do I mean that little to you? I'm that easily replaced? Who do you think you are? Goddammit, you are supposed to love me, You hurt me More than anyone ever has before Shattered my dreams Drown my mind Killed my soul Broken my heart... You might lose it all, I might too. All for nothing, another waste of my time... God dammit not again. I want to break things I want to slap you Hit you, fucking yell at you till my throat bleeds.... But instead I'm going to do what I do, And lay here and cry... Sleep in the bed that we share, That I don't want to be in anymore... Feels like it's burning my flesh. I don't know if I belong here anymore. Will this happen again? I don't know. Over my dead body..... The only thing that wasn't wasted, Is someone who is about 3 feet tall and calls me "mommy." How could you do this to me? To us? To him? To ME?! I don't even know what to think anymore I can't I can't even feel I feel numb and I feel so dumb. I gave it all up, all up for you For this. The end result is this. Fuck. I am a complete idiot. I hope you know that I will never trust you the same Ever again. Bleeding inside is so much worse Than bleeding visibly.... JJC 1/15/2012