Failure

Failure of the world today,
Hope you didn't come to stay
I don't think I can help today...
Or any day at all.

I've done this to myself
Most say
The universe is full
You say,
Of people living life today
So I build my hearts wall.

Come on out
And play today
I can't, I'm sick
I have to say,
I feel my soul fall.

You're fine, you are
You've come so far.
You have no scars...
I've covered up them all...

Blood pulse
I must
Refuse to trust
the knife
do thrust
Sometimes
Wish to end it all.

Don't know
My pain.
Please do
refrain,
Making that final call.

RememberHow I tried,

To give
Until I died
Soul shattered
until I cried

Please, help me end it all.

Demons

I wonder if my demons will get the best of me. If I will ever be a real human being again. Still feel like going through the motions sometimes. Right now. To be honest I wish I had the guts to cut myself....somewhere. make myself bleed so I can snap out of this funk and fucking figure out what I'm doing and what the fuck I'm doing wrong. I'm so sorry. I'm okay. Just a moment of pure insanity. Sometimes even the nice girl who "has it all" loses her shit too. Finding my bearings, bear with me. ♥ Don't worry, I'm not bleeding and I won't. :/ I used to cut but haven't in a while....I don't feel like it but long for the feeling of bleeding. This is a really deep convo with myself....if I sound manic don't panic! Lol I'm just losing it to get it back somehow. I miss the pain sometimes. Lets you know you're alive. Feel the heat and burn and pain of blood and then hahaha....you feel better. But now for some fuck to ask "what happened"...life happened, fuck you. This hurt is good....don't need drugs with a release like this.

Afraid to Dream

The demons in my head
won't let me sleep again.
Racing in circles around and around
Sleep to dream
Dream to sleep
Dream of sleep
My mind won't shut off
Won't let me rest.
My mind is racing
pacing
tracing
Memories of yesterday, today, and yet to be.
Maybe never to be.
Haunting
Taunting
Counting
Falling...
Medicated
so maybe I can stay asleep.
The monsters in my head
are so loud and scary.
They want to kill me.
Pit of despair.
Cobwebs and darkness
all around me.
Ghosts are haunting
Sadness and fears.
Nobody gets this...
Afraid of the dark.
Afraid of the dreaming.
Afraid of the nightmares.
Afraid of waking up.
Shaking, sweating
Crying in my sleep.
So much aching, longing, to sleep.
The peaceful sleep and dreams of the normal.
Boring.
The curse of being a disturbed soul.
Can you understand?
Not many get it...
But I do. I understand.
I live it every night
In the dark
In my dreams...
Afraid of the dark
Afraid to dream
Dream awake, and scream
Deafening silence...
Listen for breath.
Heart pounding...
Lay back down...only a dream...
But it may be...
Dreaming reality.
So afraid to dream.
Don't...
JJC 11/12/2012