Monsters

"I'm not so much afraid of the monsters under the bed, I will quite admit, I'm mostly afraid of the monsters in my head." -JJC 

Afraid to Dream

The demons in my head
won't let me sleep again.
Racing in circles around and around
Sleep to dream
Dream to sleep
Dream of sleep
My mind won't shut off
Won't let me rest.
My mind is racing
pacing
tracing
Memories of yesterday, today, and yet to be.
Maybe never to be.
Haunting
Taunting
Counting
Falling...
Medicated
so maybe I can stay asleep.
The monsters in my head
are so loud and scary.
They want to kill me.
Pit of despair.
Cobwebs and darkness
all around me.
Ghosts are haunting
Sadness and fears.
Nobody gets this...
Afraid of the dark.
Afraid of the dreaming.
Afraid of the nightmares.
Afraid of waking up.
Shaking, sweating
Crying in my sleep.
So much aching, longing, to sleep.
The peaceful sleep and dreams of the normal.
Boring.
The curse of being a disturbed soul.
Can you understand?
Not many get it...
But I do. I understand.
I live it every night
In the dark
In my dreams...
Afraid of the dark
Afraid to dream
Dream awake, and scream
Deafening silence...
Listen for breath.
Heart pounding...
Lay back down...only a dream...
But it may be...
Dreaming reality.
So afraid to dream.
Don't...
JJC 11/12/2012

Will It Ever

I'm just so sad. I can't even cry enough. I am just feeling so sad tonight, this morning, right now. My chest aches from trying to be strong and trying to not hurt. The happy face facade is crumbling and falling into my hands...pathways down my face. Will my broken self be mended? Will my broken self, ache

for eternity? Broken heart, soul, mind, and fist? For now? For ever? Why me, why you, why now, why ever...I can't explain the tear soaked pillow or the taste of blood in my mouth. The winding of my spirit so tight that it will snap and recoil, maybe break another innocent bystander. Why the tears? Sweet girl? Why the sad face? You're too pretty to be sad. Well sad doesn't give a Fuck about how pretty you are. And neither does ignoring and lonliness. They're all close friends. Kismet lovers who are freakishly into threesomes. The sluts. Drive me far away from this insanity, man made lunacy. Please change the channel? We pay for cable we should get to watch whatever the hell we want to...why the fuck won't it work??! Fuck...technology. just like relationships. One minute you get what you want, the next you have to call the cable guy to come held fix your problem.. Time to call the cable guy? Is it yet? Go to sleep, forget it all till the storm passes over and the shit storm is through.

Need to cry

Sometimes you just need to cry. Cry until your heart feels a little less like breaking. Until the fake facade your face wears cracks, falls to your hands like dust. Mix with tears and makes some kind of ridiculous, pathetic paint. Paint your life story with it, but someday it will be painted over. Good or bad, will be painted over. The sun will fade this artwork eventually, someone may remember it's significance and once beauty. Till then cry, cry until you wrench inside, till you bleed. Paint the picture, of life as it is, as it was, and as it should be, as it may never be. Now excuse me, while I put my head in my hands, and paint another picture... JJC 10-19-2012