Bag

If I could carry a bag with all the feelings I am feeling now inside. There would be a large amount of sadness, childhood broken dreams, broken hearts galore, false intentions, fluffed with white lies and dark secrets. Childish games played by people too big to be playing those sorts of games, fake smiles and fake hugs, not sure if there was ever love in here....the spot for it seems empty and undisturbed. Hardly ever used. The richest part of this little bag that holds so much is so very empty and broken where it is supposed to hold the most important thing. All there is, is a trail of blood, a deep ache in my chest, and some keys missing.....

Demons

I wonder if my demons will get the best of me. If I will ever be a real human being again. Still feel like going through the motions sometimes. Right now. To be honest I wish I had the guts to cut myself....somewhere. make myself bleed so I can snap out of this funk and fucking figure out what I'm doing and what the fuck I'm doing wrong. I'm so sorry. I'm okay. Just a moment of pure insanity. Sometimes even the nice girl who "has it all" loses her shit too. Finding my bearings, bear with me. ♥ Don't worry, I'm not bleeding and I won't. :/ I used to cut but haven't in a while....I don't feel like it but long for the feeling of bleeding. This is a really deep convo with myself....if I sound manic don't panic! Lol I'm just losing it to get it back somehow. I miss the pain sometimes. Lets you know you're alive. Feel the heat and burn and pain of blood and then hahaha....you feel better. But now for some fuck to ask "what happened"...life happened, fuck you. This hurt is good....don't need drugs with a release like this.

Broken Trust

Today was the last day... The last day I trusted you. What the fuck were you thinking? Do you know what you did to me? You've become that thing you said you hated, How could you do this to me? More than that More than me more than anything more than you more than her more than all the love in the world Why? Why? Why? I'll never know, will I? You said it was a mistake... It was, you're right. I've never wanted so badly To just fucking disappear. My best friend has betrayed me Who can I turn to? Supposed to be most intimate, Most trusting Oh my God, I'm going to die. You of all people, you were my hero.... You've been to war, you've seen the ugliest of war and you brought the war here to my home to my heart to my soul How dare you Do I mean that little to you? I'm that easily replaced? Who do you think you are? Goddammit, you are supposed to love me, You hurt me More than anyone ever has before Shattered my dreams Drown my mind Killed my soul Broken my heart... You might lose it all, I might too. All for nothing, another waste of my time... God dammit not again. I want to break things I want to slap you Hit you, fucking yell at you till my throat bleeds.... But instead I'm going to do what I do, And lay here and cry... Sleep in the bed that we share, That I don't want to be in anymore... Feels like it's burning my flesh. I don't know if I belong here anymore. Will this happen again? I don't know. Over my dead body..... The only thing that wasn't wasted, Is someone who is about 3 feet tall and calls me "mommy." How could you do this to me? To us? To him? To ME?! I don't even know what to think anymore I can't I can't even feel I feel numb and I feel so dumb. I gave it all up, all up for you For this. The end result is this. Fuck. I am a complete idiot. I hope you know that I will never trust you the same Ever again. Bleeding inside is so much worse Than bleeding visibly.... JJC 1/15/2012