Eyes show and feel it all...Worry, pain, sadness, happiness, joy, etc. I will have to get back to this one and make a real poem out of it. Just taking notes for now.

from the page Betrayed by Love on Facebook A reader was so kind to send this to me. The betrayed wife, after discovering an affair, takes such a hit to her self-esteem, and she questions what it was about the other woman that was so attractive to her husband. Was she sexier? Was she better, somehow? Why did the other woman get the best parts, when she was left with the worst of her wayward h usband? The truth is, that is not how this works. She is not better, or more attractive. She does not get the best parts of the husband. What’s attractive about the other woman is that they are the sickest, the weakest, the most injured of the pack. The insecure wayward husband wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to take down. The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath him, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch? The fact is … they always trade down. If she happens to be prettier, or thinner – it’s just pure luck that the wrapping is worth more than the gift inside. What’s inside, is no match for you, the faithful wife. You’re beautiful, and strong and probably the mother of his children. The truth is, the other woman could be anyone, anyone slow enough to be caught and willing to accept what little that wayward husband offers to them. She accepts the very worst parts of the wayward husband; the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, the broken man. His behavior is lower than low, but that’s okay with her. She accepts trashy behavior, because she is trash and has no conscience. She has no self-esteem because she knows her value … her value as the weakest, the most injured of the herd. She accepts his cheating ways and lowlife behavior because she knows her place in the pack – and it’s at the end of the row. Bringing up the rear, it’s just a matter of time before someone singles her out, and uses her for his own selfish reasons in his quest to be admired. So what happens when we catch him with her? Most often he leaves her where he found her, at the end of the row, at the back of the pack – even weaker and more injured than when he found her. She’s worse for the wear. In the end, it is her self-esteem that is eroded, not the betrayed spouses'. After all, she wasn't able to keep him even considering he was in a "bad" marriage to a "unloving wife". Because isn't that the way it always is? How pathetic that she's given the answer to the test, gave it her all, and she still failed? Self-esteem erosion 101. Retake your position at the front of the pack, betrayed wife. More often than not, it’s you he’s fighting for; it's you he's sorry for; it’s you he’s trying to be a better man for. Regain your strength. Retake your rightful place. Betrayal hurts, I know. Boy, do I know. But remember, when they find someone weak enough to have an affair with, they always affair down. The other woman had to be broken deep inside in order to crawl in bed with a married man and except your leftovers instead of being strong enough to find an unattached man on her own. She had to be so broken to not care about you, the faithful wife, the children who would be wounded and all the lives destroyed by her actions and participation... and I bet she will not accept any responsibility for those actions. She will hold her hands up in false innocence when the curtain is pulled back to reveal the disgusting acts she committed against your family. Betrayed wife, hold your head high. YOU were strong enough to remain faithful and love a man who used your trust for his own selfish desires. He has devastated your life, but you can end the pain you are feeling. Use the strength inside you to pick up the pieces and begin living again. And if you are the rare gem who has decided to give your wayward husband the precious gift of a second chance, I applaud you. YOU are invincible in your strength and courage. Take a deep breath, dry your tears for the millionth time and carry on, my dear. Because nothing can keep you down for long.

Afraid to Dream

The demons in my head
won't let me sleep again.
Racing in circles around and around
Sleep to dream
Dream to sleep
Dream of sleep
My mind won't shut off
Won't let me rest.
My mind is racing
pacing
tracing
Memories of yesterday, today, and yet to be.
Maybe never to be.
Haunting
Taunting
Counting
Falling...
Medicated
so maybe I can stay asleep.
The monsters in my head
are so loud and scary.
They want to kill me.
Pit of despair.
Cobwebs and darkness
all around me.
Ghosts are haunting
Sadness and fears.
Nobody gets this...
Afraid of the dark.
Afraid of the dreaming.
Afraid of the nightmares.
Afraid of waking up.
Shaking, sweating
Crying in my sleep.
So much aching, longing, to sleep.
The peaceful sleep and dreams of the normal.
Boring.
The curse of being a disturbed soul.
Can you understand?
Not many get it...
But I do. I understand.
I live it every night
In the dark
In my dreams...
Afraid of the dark
Afraid to dream
Dream awake, and scream
Deafening silence...
Listen for breath.
Heart pounding...
Lay back down...only a dream...
But it may be...
Dreaming reality.
So afraid to dream.
Don't...
JJC 11/12/2012

Will It Ever

I'm just so sad. I can't even cry enough. I am just feeling so sad tonight, this morning, right now. My chest aches from trying to be strong and trying to not hurt. The happy face facade is crumbling and falling into my hands...pathways down my face. Will my broken self be mended? Will my broken self, ache

for eternity? Broken heart, soul, mind, and fist? For now? For ever? Why me, why you, why now, why ever...I can't explain the tear soaked pillow or the taste of blood in my mouth. The winding of my spirit so tight that it will snap and recoil, maybe break another innocent bystander. Why the tears? Sweet girl? Why the sad face? You're too pretty to be sad. Well sad doesn't give a Fuck about how pretty you are. And neither does ignoring and lonliness. They're all close friends. Kismet lovers who are freakishly into threesomes. The sluts. Drive me far away from this insanity, man made lunacy. Please change the channel? We pay for cable we should get to watch whatever the hell we want to...why the fuck won't it work??! Fuck...technology. just like relationships. One minute you get what you want, the next you have to call the cable guy to come held fix your problem.. Time to call the cable guy? Is it yet? Go to sleep, forget it all till the storm passes over and the shit storm is through.

Need to cry

Sometimes you just need to cry. Cry until your heart feels a little less like breaking. Until the fake facade your face wears cracks, falls to your hands like dust. Mix with tears and makes some kind of ridiculous, pathetic paint. Paint your life story with it, but someday it will be painted over. Good or bad, will be painted over. The sun will fade this artwork eventually, someone may remember it's significance and once beauty. Till then cry, cry until you wrench inside, till you bleed. Paint the picture, of life as it is, as it was, and as it should be, as it may never be. Now excuse me, while I put my head in my hands, and paint another picture... JJC 10-19-2012

We are kin sisters-sisters of the same arts... Woven from the same cloth our souls are the same. The dark, it looms-creates and hangs. Like a pleasant dark shadow. Overplayed by a smile and a wink. Hidden as one may assume frailty...Then lash out! No strength in comparison! Break through the chains in our dungeons to drag our ways into the light-the moonlit night...So quiet and serene. A midnite night on serpents wings-of gloss and black scales. Fire eyes, she understands. Fierce beasts our friends...our hearts beat fierce and free! And the night...the night is where many good things hide-in wait. Wait for the inspire. To create once more. The calligraphy of the darkened soul. Whispers...You hear nothing. But I hear music. My sister and I. We are kin and kin with the nighttime. JJC 8/15/2012

"I'd like to think that if i had been through what you have, that i would eventually feel normal once again. " "Yeah, well then how about i do to you what you did to me and we will see whose heart heals faster?" Sound like a fair game to me, doesn't it? I will never not hurt from this. Thank you for that.

Demon Hunter-"My Heartstrings Come Undone" Lyrics

Demon Hunter My Heartstrings Come Undone Lyrics It's buried deep within the past , i hope it doesn't last It's something i already chased, i already chased I try to give it all away, but it's never gonna fade It's something i don't wanna face, i don't wanna face I know you feel it's all the same, but I promise that i'll change It's something i already chased, i already chased You know i'm trying to believe that you're never gonna leave It's something i don't wanna face, i don't wanna face There's nothing left! The fear is gone Oh, my heartstrings come undone I will wait for you, pray for you Before i make my final run I will stay with you, decay with you I know i'm not the perfect one, the pain has just begun It's something i already chased, i already chased You bring me to a better path, it's everything i asked It's something i don't wanna face, i don't wanna face There's nothing left! The fear is gone There's nothing left! The fear is gone Oh, my heartstrings come undone I will wait for you, pray for you Before i make my final run I will stay with you, decay with you

Broken Trust

Today was the last day... The last day I trusted you. What the fuck were you thinking? Do you know what you did to me? You've become that thing you said you hated, How could you do this to me? More than that More than me more than anything more than you more than her more than all the love in the world Why? Why? Why? I'll never know, will I? You said it was a mistake... It was, you're right. I've never wanted so badly To just fucking disappear. My best friend has betrayed me Who can I turn to? Supposed to be most intimate, Most trusting Oh my God, I'm going to die. You of all people, you were my hero.... You've been to war, you've seen the ugliest of war and you brought the war here to my home to my heart to my soul How dare you Do I mean that little to you? I'm that easily replaced? Who do you think you are? Goddammit, you are supposed to love me, You hurt me More than anyone ever has before Shattered my dreams Drown my mind Killed my soul Broken my heart... You might lose it all, I might too. All for nothing, another waste of my time... God dammit not again. I want to break things I want to slap you Hit you, fucking yell at you till my throat bleeds.... But instead I'm going to do what I do, And lay here and cry... Sleep in the bed that we share, That I don't want to be in anymore... Feels like it's burning my flesh. I don't know if I belong here anymore. Will this happen again? I don't know. Over my dead body..... The only thing that wasn't wasted, Is someone who is about 3 feet tall and calls me "mommy." How could you do this to me? To us? To him? To ME?! I don't even know what to think anymore I can't I can't even feel I feel numb and I feel so dumb. I gave it all up, all up for you For this. The end result is this. Fuck. I am a complete idiot. I hope you know that I will never trust you the same Ever again. Bleeding inside is so much worse Than bleeding visibly.... JJC 1/15/2012