Have you ever seen a movie that was really profound, and stuck with you for a long time? This was that movie for me. Why? Why would this be a part of something that "Sticks" with me, and makes me think? Well, because this was my life...but not when I was 13-thankfully. But it was my life almost to a "T" when I was starting out about 17 till about 21 or 22 years old when I finally shook it off. Everything that they do in this movie I have done. And for almost the same sort of reasons. This movie stuck a chord deep inside, and reminded me of my dark and sordid past. All because I wanted attention. And even the wrong kind of attention was attention none-the-less. Oh man how lucky I am to be alive, and to not have some kind of disease from this kind of life...But in my defense, I was SO mad, and SO hurt for being left SO alone by the people who were supposed to love me the most. My parents. I rebelled. I didn't do it till I was older, but still...I was so naive and innocent when I was 17...and it all went out of control so fast...I couldn't stop it, and I didn't want to, I didn't care. The drugs, the booze, promiscuous sex, dressing like a slut even, everything. You saw it here, and it happened. Even the cutting. I admit that-with difficulty. I've been down that road before too. I saw her get angry, and run for the bathroom and start cutting with her weapon of choice. And I admit I cried. I cried and cried when I saw this. It reminded me SO much of exactly what I used to do, how I used to respond to hurt and anger and pain and sadness. I would run to the bathroom, black out while holding some kind of sharp tool...and just feel the hurt, the burn, the bleeding...anything to make me FEEL and to show the pain I felt inside from being neglected and ignored. Then the time someone knew what I had done, they said I was stupid, and was dumb for doing it. That helped....not really. It just got worse and worse....I would even punch myself in the legs so hard I couldn't hardly stand up or walk. Why? I don't know why...but it felt good to feel physical pain. The physical pain was easier to deal with than the emotional stuff. And then at least I have a physical feeling for the way I felt inside. Since no one would listen to me anyway. I don't know how or why, but one day I just stopped. Thankfully. I used to take pain pills and drink on a regular basis too. For the same reasons. I would drink heavily...and I did for a long long time. I would do stupid things, things I normally wouldn't do. Got myself into some really scary situations and I am so glad I walked away from them-alive. I could have died many times...It all was so out of control...I look back on it all and it seems like one huge, long, awful, horrible nightmare. I remember being dropped off from a rock concert one night at my then boyfriend's house. If nobody had not have been home there I'd have probably died. Partying too much...drinking, pain pills, rock music.....I don't remember much but I was told I had stopped breathing in the bathroom. It was horrible. Embarrassing. I'm still embarrassed by it. I wish I could still apologize to my ex for that night, and for the many other nights, days, weeks, and years that he stuck by me through all of this insane shit, until he couldn't take it anymore, and I don't blame him. I did then, but no, I don't. I thank him for being my "rock" through all of that insanity. 99% of men would have run for the hills. But he loved me so much that he stayed. Even though I did so much horrible, bad shit to him, he stayed. I don't know if I'd even be alive if it wasn't for him. I hope he knows that I will never find enough words to thank him enough.... And the promiscuous sex. God....HOW STUPID!!!! I can't even tell you...how lucky I am to not have a horrible STD, or a baby whose father I don't even remember....My God how stupid I was. And for what? Because I was so angry. That's the only reason I have for it. My mother chose drugs and bad boyfriends over me, and my father chose alcohol. He has NO idea what I went through...I think my mom knows, but chooses to ignore it and pretend it never happened. But she had to have known, she's not THAT stupid I wouldn't think. So to everyone out there hurting, in whatever way....I hope that it goes away for you like it finally did for me. I sit and think about some of the thing's I've done in the past...and it feels good to get them off of my chest after all of these years as I'm now in my 30's. But I Pray, I pray to whatever God or Goddess is out there that will listen to me. Please....let my children never do this. That is my biggest fear. And remember to always listen to your kids...they might not know everything, but dammit they are smart. I wished my parents would have listened to me back when I would use words to talk to them...when words didn't work...I resorted to this....sex, drugs, rebellion, promiscuity, cutting, drinking, smoking, a lot of stupid things, and almost dying. Don't let them get this far....Watch, listen, learn, and understand.... Oh God was this hard to write....

"Serves You Right" by Johnnyrook-One of my all-time favorite Minneapolis rock bands!

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really?

Fuck this. I don't even have the words for how pissed I am right now...

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Sometimes, there are songs so profound and significant...

Was it made for me?

Black Rose
By: Trapt




I saw you in the garden
I wanted you so much
I really thought that you were different
Oh I couldn't get enough
I tried to save you from yourself
I felt every high and low
But the lows have drowned the highs away
Now there's no where else to go

[bridge]
Black rose your thorns are cutting into me
For the last time
Black rose I watched your petals wilt away
I couldn't bring you back to life

[chorus]
You were always where the sun could never go
I never wanted you to have to be alone
But I couldn't find a way to help you grow
Black Rose

You never tell me how you feel
And your moods they always change
I really tried to make it real
But you never had the faith
I tried to give you something good
To take the pain away
I tried to make you understand
You don't have to be this way

[bridge]

[chorus]

I'm not the one who hurt you (I couldn't save you)
So why are you so scared (You are who you are)
All that you've been put through (I couldn't break through)
Couldn't be repaired (We're too far apart)

I'm not the one who hurt you (I couldn't save you)
I'm the only one who cared (You are who you are)
You'll need someone to turn to (I couldn't save you)
And I will not be there

Every time I held you I knew that it would hurt
Only through the pain I could find a way to learn

Black rose your thorns are cutting into me
For the last time
Black rose I watched your petals wilt away
So wilt away
Couldn't bring you back to life

[chorus]

I'm not the one who hurt you (I couldn't save you)
So why are you so scared (You are who you are)
All that you've been put through (I couldn't break through)
Couldn't be repaired (We're too far apart)

I'm not the one who hurt you (I couldn't save you)
I'm the only one who cared (You are who you are)
You'll need someone to turn to (I couldn't save you)
And I will not be there

...I wonder if I will always live with this regret...

Who I am.

I might not be normal, I might not like the things you like, I might not think the way you think...but goddammit, don't judge me when you don't even know me. Piss off in your simple-mindedness. Your closed and sheltered life. I don't want to know what you think, you don't know me. You've not walked in my shoes, not even for a second could you EVER walk in my shoes. I've been through hell, and back again, and I have the burns and scars to prove it. I am a strong fucking person, and I also have feelings. I have feelings you'll never understand, emotions you've probably never even felt and could never begin to understand feeling. My heart bleeds for people, I usually wear my heart on my sleeve, but my soul is dark. My soul has been hurt, and wounded but never broken. Everyone has their own battles in life, who the hell am I-or are you-to tell them what battle is theirs? I might be a little bit fucked up, but you know what?

I think I'm pretty fucking awesome.

My tears are mine, my heart is mine, my soul is mine-and if you're lucky enough, I just might share it with you.